Moor Close window.
When no-one takes pictures of you, you need to go for selfies. :P

I got some good news last week. Apparently a nation-wide women's magazine back home has picked up our Shoebox Presents' story and is publishing an article on the topic this week. They asked me to write a little something on how and when we started our project plus send some photos, and as far as I understood they're planning to publish the whole thing (which is quite different compared to a radio interview I gave last summer - from my five minute talk they literally used one sentence). I've never really read that magazine as I haven't held the highest opinion of its quality but you know, maybe it's time for me to re-evaluate things. I can see excellent journalism being done here, haha!

My work situation back home also seems to be settling. The way things seem to go now makes me both happy and sad. Ah, this life thing...

I heard from my dad yesterday evening that both my grandpa's sister and sister-in-law are in a very bad state. As to their health, I mean. We expect them to pass away soon - which really isn't the most tragic thing when you're 85 and have lived a meaningful life. But still my first reaction when I heard it was, Oh, I wish I could make it home on time so that I could go and sit on their bed side for one more time and read them some Psalms and assure them that the brightest things are yet to come and what we leave behind is nothing compared to what's waiting for us. Hmm, maybe there's a tiny pastor living in me after all.

I'm reading books again. I've read two Camus' books in two days - The Outsider and The Fall. Honestly, I'm not sure these are the books I should be reading at this stage of my life but part of me is really drawn to this dark existentialism. You know, life and death, truth and lie, meaning and meaninglessness, honesty and pretense, suicide and God. I get shivers when I read Camus.


It's people who fascinate me the most. Friends. Good people.

For example. Me and B. had lunch in the caf the other day and we happened to have a conversation about life and death with someone who came and sat with us. It all started well but at one point I noticed that both of us were getting really quiet, me because I was sad and him because he was getting mad. It wasn't a major thing, it's just that we realised how differently we understood life and ministry compared to our friend who sincerely believed in 'we don't have time to mourn the ones who've passed because there are so many people who know nothing about Jesus' theology. We didn't agree. And that's fine. After the lunch we went back to EGW centre with B. and we talked about it. I sat in the armchair in the far corner of the room but B. couldn't even sit, he walked back and forth and waved his arms and expressed his frustration and in a sense poured his heart out. And I just watched him and thought - it's quite a small thing to feel sad about something that someone said (especially knowing that I don't see things from the perspective of Truth either) but it's a major thing to have a good friend getting angry FOR you. I was touched and impressed. Like, deeply.

Or Dr M. P. I had a very concise appointment with him yesterday. In two hours he shared so much of his knowledge I felt like I was taking a super short and super intensive course in ethics. So cool. We also discussed church and teaching and calling and all that. I think he pretty much told me everything he knew about everything haha.

And then Dr A. N. Not only that I sat in her office for 1,5 hours today, I will also have a proper nerd date with her in a bit more than a week's time. Like a whole day. London, two exhibitions in the British Museum, Foyles bookshop and all. OH, DEAR HEAVENS!

How have I deserved all these people?


I've always felt Newbold has broaden my musical horizon, like big time. Here I've been introduced to music I didn't even know existed. All kinds of music. Today's tune also comes from a band I knew nothing about before Newbold. Truth be told, it was only two weeks ago when MJ was here and we were listening to music in my room that she played me this song - Run River North (don't these guys just look awesome!) and their song Growing Up.


It's three months today. It seems almost impossible that we've managed to live quarter of a year without her. I get very tired in my head when I have to talk ABOUT her these days. I just want to pick up my phone and talk TO her. It's been too long, too long since I last did it.

And so I find it almost ironic that today is the day when I finished my Paper. I think it's really done done now. Don't take it as an act of heroism. It's not. But it is a sign of life. And that's good enough right now.


On a brighter note, I got myself a date yesterday after the church service. Me and MJ went to talk to him and before I knew it I had promised to meet him sometime this week. He said he'd tell me everything he knew about everything (that's big!). He also mentioned that he could tell me why Aristotle was like Jesus. When MJ asked him why he hadn't told this Aristotle thing in the philosophy class he said that he didn't teach stuff like this to undergrads. So it seems like I'm going to have a proper postgrad date. I'm going out with Dr M. P. :)


I think for a week or so I'll be all over the place with my dissertation. I can't help myself. Just bear with me.

Yesterday morning I got my supervisor's comments on my concluding chapter. And his main comment was that my conclusion looked like a sermon. A what? Haha, first of all I was all ready to get offended but then I saw the funny side of it. He meant it as a critique of my writing not being academic enough but man, if he knew me a little bit better and if he knew how I mean business when it comes to homiletics (and maybe even more so in the future, but this is a different story altogether), he wouldn't have used such wording. He was seriously running a risk of me taking it as a compliment! So I sat in the library's silent room and tried very hard not to laugh out loud. This sure was the first time his comment made me laugh.

And then by the afternoon I sent him the full draft. From the cover page to bibliography. And once again got his comments back. I didn't read them very attentively yesterday but just by a quick look and rough estimation it seems like I've got one day's work left to do on my thesis. ONE DAY'S WORK. So I'm hoping to get my Paper proofread (bless you, L.!) and printed next week. I'm not sure I ever thought I'd see this day.


Other than the thesis, life is bumpy. There was this moment last night when I had to talk to myself (don't ask), and for some reason I kept telling myself about desert. I think I'm in a desert. And desert is a serious place.


Tuesday's Tune

I'm going back to Estonia today. Musically, that is. And I'm breaking my unwritten rule not to post two songs from the same singer/band during my first blogging year. Some rules just need to be broken, that's all I can say. So we're back to band called Ewert And The Two Dragons and this time it's their song You Had Me At Hello that needs to be listened to. There's magic in that song. 

I know they're someone else's words
But they will have to do
It was just too hard for me to learn
But I had a song for you
So all I have to say now baby
You had me at hello


I hit 20 000 words yesterday and it really starts feeling like it's time to finish the work on my Paper. I'll try to get my concluding chapter into such a shape that I could send it to Dr V. tonight. And then I need to wait for his final comments with fear and trembling. But honestly, if he doesn't kill it, I actually might be able to finish everything by the end of this week. Ah, sweet!


I'd like to say a big thank you to gentlemen J., J. and S. for Saturday evening. I felt like an undercover SDA-CIA agent on a secret mission, doing important stuff under the cover of darkness haha! It sure was memorable. Thanks, guys!


Habits are hard to drop. Not that it's anything new to me but sometimes I honestly get surprised by their power, how they can have a grip on you. And what's been my main habit in Newbold throughout the past years? To be in the library at 9am. You wouldn't believe, after just two days on campus I find myself walking to the library in the morning. I seem not to be able to drop that habit so easily after all. Smelling the same stuffy library air again. Opening my Paper's file again. Going through my supervisor's comments (I've done things more fun than this). Looking for the right books. Thinking about how to conclude my Paper. Looking at the word count again after every 20 minutes.

One could think that it's a boring way to live. But seriously speaking, I could do with some boredom right now. By going to the library every day I get a sense of normality and stability in my life that hasn't been there for many months. I feel like a normal person again. I feel like a person who's got something to look forward to, something to finish and to accomplish. And that's a big step forward for me.


Spring is here!


Ah, that tree in front of the library!

Foggy England.


No matter how many good singers there are out there, sometimes I still get surprised and goosebumped by the amount of sheer talent that's given to someone. Lianne La Havas is one of those young singers who's been given so much I can hardly get my head around it.

Lianne La Havas, Lost And Found.


So I touched down in UK on Sunday afternoon. It feels nice to be back on Newbold campus, really-really nice. It only takes a few things to make me feel like home here - things like sitting in Dr J. B.'s office and talking about the current situation of the worldwide Adventist church, smelling the distinctive library smell, or sitting in a pub with B. and U. and talking about existential matters (truth be told, they did all the talking, I was too tired after a long day of traveling). These are the things which I've done many times over my Newbold years. I'm thankful for the opportunity to do them once more.

And the spring gets me all excited! I went to Bracknell yesterday to buy new running shoes as I left my old sweaty ones home. I ended up buying not only shoes but also the new sportswear. I'm not sure I actually needed everything but the guy at Sports Direct sounded like the world was coming to an end if I ever dared to go jogging without professional running SOCKS again. So I had to buy those, too. I don't want anything bad to happen to the world, you know. In any case, I'm all equipped and ready for the English spring now!


So I'm spending my days at M.'s place, feet up, listening to a Norwegian singer named Kurt Nilsen, a cup of tea in one and a good book in the other hand. It's a good and much needed break between the sadness of home and the last academic efforts in Newbold.

I'm reading Henri Nowen at the moment. He's so good I need to share this with you. This is from his masterpiece The Wounded Healer.

"Jesus was a revolutionary, who did not become an extremist, since he did not offer an ideology, but Himself. He was also a mystic, who did not use his intimate relationship with God to avoid the social evils of his time, but shocked his milieu to the point of being executed as a rebel. /.../ I suppose you hesitate to consider yourself a mystic or a revolutionary, but when you have eyes to see and ears to hear you will recognise him in your midst. He is sometimes undeniably evident to the point of irritation, sometimes only partially visible. You will find him in the eyes of a guerrilla, the young radical or a boy with the picket sign. You will notice him in the quiet dreamer playing his guitar in the corner of a coffeehouse, in the soft voice of a friendly monk, in the melancholic smile of a student concentrating on his reading. You will see him in the mother who allows her son to go his own difficult way, in the father who reads to his child from a strange book, in the loud laughter of a young girl, in the indignation of a Young Lord, and in the determination of a Black Panther. You will find him in your own town, in your own family, and even in the strivings of your own heart, because he is in every man who draws his strength from the vision that dawns on the skyline of his life and leads him to a new world."

How beautiful is that!


Tuesday's Tune

When I'm home, I usually listen to either Estonian national radio or Estonian classical radio (which has some really good jazz programs; on top of good classical programs, that is). And sometimes when I hear a really good voice I don't recognise or a great song I don't know I drop everything and run to my computer to check from the radio's web page who's singing. It always shows there what's on air at any given moment. That's how I am introduced to great singers sometimes. That's also how I was introduced to a singer named Ani DiFranco.

I like the simplicity of her voice. And I like her lyrics.

So today's tune is Ani DiFranco's song You Had Time. I shared this song with a friend last week and said that I had no idea what it was about. Well, I've listened to this song for many times since and nothing has changed. I still like it. And I'm still clueless about what that song is saying. Lol.


Greetings from Norway-land! Yesterday, sitting in the airport and waiting for my flight, I felt like I had just started an Eat Pray Love trip. Seriously. I need to eat more. I need to pray a lot more. And I never mind loving more.