There was this time back in the high school when I wore shirts down to my knees and scarves three meters long, I had a 'no you can't see my eyes' haircut, I went to art classes, I read Jean-Paul Sartre, Kurt Vonnegut and Viktor Pelevin and thought that the world was a weird place to live in.

I'm glad I'm not a teenager any more. Eesh, never ever again!

But I went to my grandpa's place yesterday and there I discovered my old art class folder, just randomly lying behind a cupboard. So I rescued my precious paintings and drawings and took them home with me.

Maybe one day I'll put some of them on my wall. Just to remind myself that I made it through teenage years. And survived.



Tuesday's Tune

Today's song comes from a very interesting lady named Carla Bruni. She was a very successful model in 1990s but it clearly wasn't enough for her. She also started writing songs and singing. And became successful in this, too. And then she went on and married the French president back in 2008 and became France's first lady. I think she officially goes with the name of Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. That's quite a story.

Now, when my good friend gave me her album No Promises a few years ago and I first listened to it, I was rather frustrated. I was like, This lady cannot sing at all! I had never heard a voice like that and I had serious troubles enjoying her singing. But the more I listened, the more I started liking her uniqueness. Until she was the leading voice of my mp3-player. Go figure how that happened.

So today's tune is Carla Bruni's Those Dancing Days Are Gone. Lyrics of this song, by the way, are William Yeats' poem. How cool is that!


With uncles & aunties yesterday. Couple of them are missing.

It's my dad's birthday today. We celebrated it yesterday at my uncle's place.

I don't know words beautiful enough to describe how much it means to me what my uncles and aunties have done for us. Strangely enough my dad's side of the family has been rather distant, also over the past months. But it has been compensated abundantly by my mum's family. Her bothers and sister and my cousins have basically adopted us. So it was my mum's oldest brother who organised my dad's birthday and invited us all over for a lazy Sunday. It was great seeing them all and spending some quality time with them. And the most beautiful moment was when we all gathered around my grandpa's old kitchen table with my grandma's old white table cloth on it, and we had an improvised memorial service to my mum. As my uncle said, "two pastors of this family" had to conduct it, and so it was that me and my dad talked about my mum and shared our Christian hope and looked forward to the great morning when we all get to be together again. There were many tears shed around that table but they weren't tears of desperation, they were tears of unity and love and yearning. And then we stood up, Christians and non-Christians alike, and we all prayed the Lord's Prayer together. It was truly beautiful.

And then we had lunch and discussed theology and politics. And had a lot of fun.

There truly is a lot of love out there.

Happy birthday, dear daddy!

Oh, and also - happy birthday, dear Estonia. Cherish your independence. It's not to be taken for granted.


Over the past months I have had several reasons to thank God for uncles and aunties. Their care and love and concern for us has truly been felt and appreciated. Now it's time for me to be thankful for cousins, too. Especially for cousins who invite you over for a weekend and remind you of all the beautiful things out there that make life enjoyable and worth living.

I spent the last weekend at my cousin's summer house in Southern Estonia. I've never been very close with him (it's hard to be close friends with all your cousins when you have 15 of them), he's about 10 years older than me and we have always lived different lives. But he's really cool. So when I called him last week and asked about his family's weekend plans he invited me over and organised a whole weekend package for me. That package included playing with his two little adorable sons, meeting my uncle and auntie, going all the way to their summer house, skating on a frozen lake, eating good food, sweating in sauna, and also... wait for it, wait for it... jumping into an ice hole. I'm not much of a sauna fan but I'm proud to announce that three times during that weekend and for the first time in my life I ran from the cottage to their lake where men had hacked a hole in the ice with an axe and jumped in. My body was like 'WHAAAAT?', my heart was beating like crazy and once after climbing out from the icy water the world started spinning in a very, hmm, peculiar way but it was such a cool experience nevertheless. One thing less on my bucket list. Winter swimming - check! After Sunday morning ice hole exercise, sitting in their little kitchen with traditional pancake and coffee smell all over the house and with their kids running around and playing, I thought to myself, 'Don't give up on life just yet, there are still beautiful moments and beautiful people that make this whole life thing worth it. Good things still exist.' I think I'm slowly coming back to life.


Happy birthday, dear J.! Have a good new year. Make it count.


Tuesday's Tune

I just realised I've been posting love songs this month. It really wasn't planned like this. (They say it was the Valentine's Day last week. What's that?) But I don't mind continuing.

Today's song is really special. Actually, it's so special and so beautiful that I want this song to be sung in my wedding one day. I don't know exactly how it will work out but here's how I picture it - I'll give Ben a call and say, 'Hey, dude, will you come and sing in my wedding?' And he'll be like, 'Of course, I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world.' So he'll come with his guitar and swag, he'll sing, and I'll cry a little. Yes, that's exactly how it will be.

Ben Harper, Forever.


Tuesday's Tune

Bon Iver, I Can't Make You Love Me. I don't have anything to add to this.


I had a bit of a mental breakdown last weekend. So it might take a while before I get back to blogging. Hard to say.


Psalm 22:1.


Throwback Thursday

I once had a dog. His name was Terri.

Now, I was a good kid, a good teenager - no slamming of doors, no secret tattoos (or public ones, for that matter). But when it came to my obsession of having a dog, I used all methods and means known to me to terrorise my parents. I pouted, I cried, I pleaded, I hinted. I just didn't slam doors.

I can't recall if I actually believed my pleading would work, because it was a total surprise for me when my parents left the house for the whole evening once (I was 14) without saying a word and came back with this adorable puppy of a boxer late in the evening. I was speechless. And ecstatic. The thing with pets is that you know you can expect certain things. Going to vet, going for walks, cleaning after him, having fun with him. All these things I could imagine and expect. But there was one thing that was completely unexpected for me, something that took me by surprise - I had no idea you could learn to know an animal so well you can actually read his mind. I didn't know one could know a dog by heart. But that's exactly what happened. I knew Terri by heart. But it wasn't only one way street, somehow he read my mind, too. There were moments when I was considering going for a walk with him. I hadn't changed my clothes yet, I wasn't looking for his leash, I hadn't told him anything, I was just THINKING about it, and already he knew and started dancing around me. Crazy stuff.

When he died nine years later, it was the saddest thing that had happened to me so far. I mourned like I had never done before. And this could sound really disrespectful or childish because I had seen two of my grandparents pass away by this time, but in a sense I had never lost anyone from my immediate family. It was the first time I sometimes had troubles with opening our house's front door because I knew someone who had been so dear to me wasn't there to welcome me any more. I know more about this feeling now.

But I'm hoping to see Terri again one day. Like, I have no idea what to do with this theologically. Some friends have laughed at me when I've told them about it. But I'm waiting for the restoration of ALL creation, and that includes my doggy. And even if Jesus doesn't plan to resurrect all of our pets, I know He'll make an exception for me. Just because I have so much faith.

I'm trying to convince my dad to take a new dog now. He's not exactly thrilled about this idea. Maybe I should try slamming doors?


When my mum was still alive but already severely sick, sometimes I tried to picture my life without her and my reactions to her passing. Now, looking back, I can say that none of these mental pictures have come true. I can't say whether the reality has been better or worse than I imagined, but it sure has been different. Surprisingly different. For example, one of my concerns was that with her death I'd completely lose interest in the projects I've started or have been part of. Once again, the reality has proven me wrong.

I just got back home from Tartu where I took part in our church's monthly video live broadcast.

Last week me and my faithful camera crew shot another video message for the conference's youth department. And had a lot of fun doing it!

And today we started with another Shoebox Presents project. Now this project - my baby - makes me really glad. I was really eager to let you know about it already last week but it felt inappropriate to tell my English speaking friends before my Estonian friends, haha. (I was like, Come on, you can keep your own secrets!) But now the word is out, and we try to use every media channel available for us to let people know about it. This time the project is slightly different from the first one. We won't collect school supplies for kids this time, now we're set to collect all kinds of art supplies for disabled people. Many people with either mental or physical handicap do all kinds of art, either as a hobby or as a means to earn some extra money (when it comes to state subsidy and benefits, well... Let's just say Estonia isn't exactly Scandinavia so many people look for opportunities to make extra money). We're cooperating with a nonprofit organisation that draws together disabled people from all over the country, and they have also sent me a long list of supplies that are needed. So it looks really interesting. Now I'm just hoping and praying that even more people would join our project this time and spread love.

Because for me it all comes down to love in the end. Like I've said before - there's so much darkness and sadness in this world. Too much, way too much. And I can't do much about it. But what I can, I do. I can fight this darkness and sadness with my little sword of light.