The last month has been extraordinarily stressful. All kinds of work seem to have gravitated around late spring and the best I can do is to keep my nose above water and simply survive.
In mid May, I had my annual school session which these days means two full weeks of Zoom classes. You get a lot of information like this but you miss the after-class dinners and movies and walks and talks so a lot of life is sucked out of the studies. I missed Newbold and the real presence of my classmates terribly. There was good stuff in those classes, too, and something in the way I see and interact with the world shifted (and that's a really big thing to happen during an academic course, I know), but it was also very tiring. Because when the school session comes, it is never just about sitting in a classroom, it is also a whole pile of home work you need to get done and trying to juggle all this at once makes my anxiety levels rise. In this past month, I have read - diagonally, but still - 9 compulsory books and am trying to get going with the 10th one I need to write an assignment on. It's a bit too much, to be honest.
My work dynamics have also shifted as we were allowed back in the real classroom, hallelujah! I will need to write another, longer post about my pupils since they really have showered me with affection and chocolates. They are true gems! But I drag their homeworks with me like a cat drags her kittens and I mark them at the last possible moment so it's none too soon for the summer vacation! I will have my last classes tomorrow, a field trip with my fifth graders next week, and then I should be done.
I have also taken on too much preaching-wise. The Swedes have invited me over to preach at their Union camp meeting slash constituency meeting that is partly taking place in person and partly online, and I'm flying over to Sweden next week (if my Covid test comes back negative, that is). On one hand, it is lovely to get these kinds of invites and lovely to preach to actual people for a change, but I never really bothered asking about what exactly was expected of me. So when they told me they wanted 4 pre-recorded morning devotionals and 5 evening sermons, my heart sank. I've gotten the recordings done, and I have faithfully (and on time!) translated my sermons and sent them my manuscripts but I am tired to my bones! In all honesty, had I known how much they expected of me, I would have thought twice about saying yes. But I pray I will be alright and will actually able to enjoy my Swedish gig next week. As long as I sleep well, I should be ok. But here's a note to self - whenever someone asks you to preach, please please make sure you know what you're saying yes to!
In the middle of school and work and sermon writing, I am also trying to write a longer article for Muusika. It should have been written a while ago but the head editor was kind enough to postpone the deadline for a month (I really couldn't concentrate when A. died). But now I need to get that piece on paper and published.
And as soon as I am back from Sweden, I need to wrap up my homiletics classes in the Seminary. My students will be preaching in class and I need to give them individual feedback. That will be a challenge after preaching my own sermons lol.
Phew. Thus end the lamentations of Mervi. Enough is enough. I will get through these last couple of stressful weeks and then I will put my feet up and get some good books and spend some lazy weeks visiting my dad and friends. And then I will also have time to grieve properly.
As to grieving, I'm making progress. My emotions have calmed down and I'm getting used to the new reality. We laid A.'s ashes to rest a couple of weeks ago which was a big deal for me because now, finally, I know where she is. I visited the graveyard this past Sunday, I sat at her grave for about an hour, the weather was gloriously beautiful, bees and ants kept themselves busy on the flowers on her grave, and a little white butterfly kept coming back. There was peace all around. I also keep wearing her cardigan almost daily, and her scarf. I don't expect people to understand - and I suspect some would think it terribly morbid - but having these things near helps me a great deal. I also have her watch - I am mad about watches - but it keeps sitting on my drawer. It's still too soon for me to wear it. Her watch and how she wore it is imprinted in my memory in such a strong way that I need more time to pass before I can put it on my wrist. Oh, and I am going to visit A.'s mum this weekend, just sitting in the garden, chatting with her. I am looking forward to it very much! Such little things, little steps but vital for me at this point in time.
But no matter my grief or anxieties, the little tomato plant on my window sill keeps growing. :)
