The Storm

These are the last days of peace and quiet before The Storm. Or in other words, the new academic year will start next week and waves of it will surely sweep me off my feet. But God willing, I will emerge from this storm in the beginning of next June, drenched and exhausted, yet alive and sane. 

What is to come is as exciting as it is scary. Because I will be trying to brace three, no, four major waves at the same time and occasionally I have serious doubts about my ability to survive them all.

The first wave. The school year starts next week with the preliminary meetings for teachers taking place already this week. I will, once again, teach Estonian and Literature courses for two classes, one 5th grade and one 6th grade. It was just yesterday that I received my timetable for the coming year - it gets real once you know when you need to be in a classroom, smart and sassy, teaching them sweet girls (who, let's be honest, can also be a lot less than sweet). One classroom will be full of familiar faces and another one terra incognita. Everything is infinitely easier this year as I already have one year of experience under my belt but it will still take fair amount of energy to keep up with this hullabaloo that's waiting for me in the classroom.  

The second wave has to do with the fact that I'm landing back in the Conference office next week. My part-time employment in the church resumes on September 1st but I still have only a vague idea of what my obligations will be this time. And yet, I'm excited. My superiors and the other office guys are wonderful and I've missed working with them. And some things will certainly go back to the good old road and rhythm, too. For example, I have already promised to continue with my monthly program in the Christian Radio Station (which I dropped last year); and I have also promised to meet up regulary and study the Bible with a very opinionated and energetic teenager wo wants to get baptised. Thaaaat's gonna be fun. 

The third wave worries me the most because that's the final push to get my doctoral project done and dissertation written/defended. Where all that energy will come from, I don't know. But fortunately enough, things are moving forward, slowly but steadily. Just a half an hour ago I received a formal looking email from Andrews Uni, from their Research Integrity & Compliance Office (heavens!) where they state that my research project (a preaching series in my home church and the collecting & analysing of feedback) has been deemed appropriate and safe for all human subjects by the Institutional Review Board. Or in other - simpler - words, I have been given a green light from Andrews to do my preaching series and get the two remaining chapters of my dissertation on paper. Phew. The preaching itself, assuming the churches will stay open, should take place in November and December, the writing in January and February. In my head, I have the deadline of March 1st for the whole shebang to be done and fininshed, but uhmm, I don't know. I don't know if I can pull it off.  

The fourth wave - my relationship and S. - is not a wave at all, of course. It's more like a lifeboat in the middle of this raging sea. But still, I need to look at my calendar and find all these airbags of free time that I could use for traveling to Stockholm. Needless to say, there are not many of those. My schedule for the coming year looks insanely tight. But for the sake of my sanity, I will find that time. I will. 

If I manage all this and come out alive on the other side, I will - with the sigh of relief and perfect peace of mind - become a housewife. Word. :)

Lost for Words

It's not often that I'm lost for words. Words are my tools, I make my living by using them so I'm used to finding the right ones. But as I try to find some words to describe what has happened in my life over the past 1,5 months, I'm lost. I'm staring at my screen, not knowing what to say. Because anything I might say will fall short of reality. 

But I'll try.

I went to Sweden in the beginning of June, dragging my feet. It had been a nightmare of a spring and I was wasted. I wasn't sure I had anything left in me to say to people there. But I got into the rhythm of preaching and of life over there, got together with lovely old friends and got to know a couple of new people and I started enjoying myself more and more with every passing day. And at some point I realised something was coming my way that I really hadn't anticipated. I didn' know if there was anything I could do about it - or should do, because I'm just no good when it comes to romantic feelings and relationships. No good at all. But although I had no idea what's the right thing to do, right things started happening anyway. So when I had an extra free day to spend in Ekebyholm after preaching my last sermon, everything happened really fast. And within less than 24 hours every big question I might or might not have had got an answer. S. whisked me off to the coast that last morning, we spent some 8 hours together and by the evening when I had to catch my plane, everything was clear. And when I say clear, I mean crystal clear. We had both found the person we had been praying for and hoping to find all these years. There was no question, no doubt left in either one of our hearts.

Honestly, if I heard anyone else say what I've just said, I would either think this person is a) immature and a little silly or b) overtly dramatic. Oh, come one, the real life is not a Hollywood script, these kind of things don't happen. But as hard as I try, I can't see myself in either of these categories. I think I have a rather mature attitude to life. And although I can be a bit of a drama queen occasionally (I think S. would agree haha), I still have a head on my shoulders. So the only option left is that these things do happen occasionally. They happened to me, anyway. To us.

I flew home that night and then woke up the next morning to a text from S. - to a kind of text message I had never received in my life until that moment - and although my apartment looked the same and although the world outside my window kept turning and hurrying just like it had done a week ago, something in my reality had shifted. The world looked completely different to me. I've said it already but I say it again - suddenly, life had colors to it! And light! It was as if I had lived in a monochrome world my whole life and suddenly I woke up to colors for the first time that morning. 

I'm sorry if this sounds terribly cheesy to you but I can't find better words. 

So now we live in a different rhythm. Mostly we live in the rhythm of visits. When will you come over? When can I go over? Have you already booked your tickets? What about our Christmas plans? There's some frustration to this rhythm (mostly because I get impatient, also because of the possible travel restrictions) but there's also beauty to it. There's emotional intensity to every moment we can spend together, there are funny messages, there are "day counts" as I call them, there are plans for the future, there are movie scenes from airports. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way (or maybe I would scrap the Covid tests haha). 

And one more thing. I had always thought romantic relationships were a private thing. This is about the two of us! But with a great surprise and delight I've found that so much of it is a community thing, and a family thing. Naturally, there are moments that are not to be shared with anyone else, or words that are not meant for anyone else's ears, but so much of this new reality can be shared with others. And I have been totally floored over these last months and weeks, because I have received so much love and support from all over, so many happy messages from friends, so many new acquaintances, so many Facebook likes haha. And spending a week with S.'s family, with his parents and brother's family and aunties and uncles and cousins and granny was just wonderful. Suddenly I have all these people I didn't have (or even knew about) before and they are my people now. It's absolutely marvelous!

So I'm enjoying every moment of this journey, knowing well that our time in this world is limited. There's no time to waste, there's only time for us to live as beautifully and meaningfully as we possibly can. So that in the end - whenever the end comes - we would be able to look back with gratitude and joy.