Trench War

It's week No. 3 in lock down and it's beginning to look a lot like trench war.

The first week was a week of shock and chaos and also some excitement. Everything was new, none of us had ever seen such a situation before. We were all walking around with our eyebrows raised and question marks above our heads. My emergency shopping list was mostly about cans and tins and porridges. I rationed my library books and battled psychosomatic chest pains.

The second week was that of settling down. I finally got back to working mode. I'm currently translating-editing Church Manual because the last Estonian translation is way too old. It's a terrible job to be stuck with - I wouldn't want such a fate even to my enemy (not that I have any, of course). It's slow and tedious work but last week I really put my mind to it. The shock was over. On my shopping list there were maily fresh things, veggies and fruits. My dearly treasured library books retreated and gave way to Netflix (to Line of Duty, to be more precise). No chest pains.

The beginning of the third week has been sobering. There's no excitement left, it's more like, oh, dammit, this is our new reality now, this is going to last for a while. Everyone's nerves are strained, I realised that yesterday when we had long online-meetings. People are tired, people are touchy, people get offended where no offence is intended. Parents are stuck with their home-schooling kids and I hear from here and there that everyone is struggling, parents and kids alike. The Church Manual, thank heavens, has had to retreat and give way to Sabbath school prep, to sermons and radio programs. I went to a nearby grocery store early on Sunday morning and now Ben & Jerry's is ruling my life. Some might say I've deteriorated fast but I'm saying - one needs proper weapons to fight in a trench and to keep up one's spirits. Ice cream certainly is a trench war kind of food. This is strategy, you see! (even though it will require a lot of sweating in the gym afterwards) I'm fed up with Netflix so long evening walks are on the menu now. There are no chest pains but there are back pains because I don't have a proper office chair at home...

I wonder what the fourth week will bring us?

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Last week I decided I needed some mental excercise to build my gratitude-muscles. They can become a little emaciated during a worldwide pandemic, let's be honest. So I started a list where I would write down all these things I can be grateful for while in quarantine. There are some 50+ things on that list now. I thought I'd share some with you, too.

blue sky
mint chocolate
fresh air
Netflix
friends who do my shopping for me
breakfast pancakes
sun raising earlier
sun setting later
free online concert hall of the Berliner Philharmoniker
ice cold showers
warm apartment
healthy lungs
books
online church services
audio Bible
auntie R. and her lentil casserole
evening walks
Tallinn Old Town, abandoned by tourists (a sight to behold)
A.
bread straight from the oven
candles
Arvo Pärt's music
prayer
migrating birds coming home
spotless and shiny bathroom
vitamin D
unwashed hair
my colleagues
crocuses
fresh fruits
peace of mind
sleep
cans in kitchen cupboard
God
Whatsapp
jar of apple jam
smell of spring
smell of my favourite perfume
gratitude
cup of hot chocolate
phone calls with my best friend

Despite everything, there's a lot to be thankful for, guys!

Quarantine Diaries

If it was up to me, I would make everyone who’s in quarantine keep a diary for 14 days. It’s amazing how much you find out about yourself and life once you’re forced to slow down and face yourself, that beautiful and terrible self of yours.

Things I have found out about myself aren’t really that surprising, to be honest. But the clarity of these things is what amazes me.

First, I’ve known for a while I’m a HSP, a highly sensitive person. And one thing that characterises HSPs is an odd, overdeveloped sense of empathy. Like, I go listen to my favourite pianists in a concert hall and before the concert begins, my heart starts pounding and my palms get sweaty. I’m not kidding. Someone says they’ve recently had a stomach bug and I instantly feel sick in my stomach. So what do you think happens to me during a worldwide pneumonia pandemic? Of course I get those odd chest pains. It got pretty bad on Thursday night, at some point I even felt I couldn’t breathe properly. And all the while I knew it was in my head. The battle is not in my lungs but between my ears. It’s so strange.

Secondly, my reaction to all this stuff getting cancelled. My vacation was cancelled and I was like meh. The GC got postponed and I was like meh. No love lost there. The moment I finally realised our Newbold school session would be switched to stupid Zoom, I sat on my couch and wept. I’m such an nerd.

Third. I’m worrying a little bit about running out of stuff. But I don’t mean food. I mean books. I only have 5 library books at home and during the past week I have actually been rationing my reading time. I’ve been like, ok, that’s enough for today, don’t be greedy, remember you have at least 1,5 weeks of isolation still ahead of you, be sensible now. So I only read 2 books last week, and started the third one.

Other than occasional moments of panic about getting old and wrinkled in this isolation and occasional breathing problems, I’m fine. Most of the time my mood is good although sometimes the loneliness is hard to bear. I’m baking bread. I’m cleaning my little apartment – I don’t think my bathroom has ever been as clean as it is now. I’ve offered prayer to my Estonian friends and I have 104 names on my prayer list now (I’ve managed to go through 70 of them). I listen to good music (Berlin Philharmonics, bless them, have opened their online concert hall for free!). I start my days with an ice cold shower. I’m sitting in all the conference’s online meetings. I ration news reading time – just read any newspaper for half an hour and you get an anxiety attack. I’m ordering food from a cafe just around the corner because I know they’re struggling without clients. I’m listening to audio Bible. I chat with my auntie. I look awful. And when I feel like losing my mind, I sneak out for a walk.

Here are a few pics from my solitary confinement:

I'm becoming an expert in healthy smoothies.

Chocolate is a must!

The weather is glorious.

Oh noooooooooo!

Library books waiting for their turn. 

A salmon wrap from my local cafe.

Crisis Talk

I went swimming last night and there were about four other people there. Everything was eerily quiet. As I was swimming back and forth, I kept thinking about one question – are we the last brave ones who keep calm and carry on as usual or is this the finest collection of absolute idiots here who should be the first ones to become extinct? I never found an answer.

I did ask the gym receptionist about their plans to close their doors and he said with a stony face that he has not been given a permission to comment on it. Alas, it sounded a lot like „Girl, your pool party is over.“

So far, of course, I have only encountered first world problems. My spring trip to Israel has been cancelled (I actually don’t mind), next week’s concert I was looking forward to has been cancelled (I actually do mind), there will be no preaching at TED’s Master Guide Camp for me because there will be no camp to preach at. The hardest blow will be the cancellation of our school session in Newbold. There has been no official announcement yet but I have no doubt it will come. And that will make me very sad! On a more positive note, I am keeping my fingers crossed about the GC session in Indianapolis to be cancelled also – I have no warm feelings about the GC. I don’t want to go. Duh!

Things got more serious this morning when the government decided to declare national emergency. The grocery stores are full of people, some calm, some slightly panicky. I’m totally lost as to what I need to do. I always have only little food at home because I need so little and also because I generally don’t care about food or cooking. Is there any real reason to be concerned about the possibility of running out of food? Like, really? I don’t know. Anyway, I did get some cans from my grocery store early this morning, if not for any other reason than to show solidarity with my fellow countrymen. The only craze I absolutely refuse to take part in is this toilet paper madness (and I really hope I won't live to regret it).

The church services have also been cancelled. We just finished an emergency meeting with our conference’s AdCom and we decided that for at least two weeks we will ask our church members (many of whom are elderly) to stay home. This feels odd – on one hand it feels like a vacation, on the other hand not. In any case, I have no idea what to do tomorrow. There will be no preaching, no teaching, no socialising. Sounds like a day for long walks and maybe an emergency visit to my aunt’s.

But always look on the bright side of life, du-dum du-dum du-dum-du-dum-du-dum! My dear boss I. was let out of quarantine yesterday morning. He stayed in isolation for 14 days and it was so odd to only text him. The office was quiet and bare. So it was with great joy that I welcomed him back yesterday. I mean, I minded my own business and he minded his but there were these moments when, in between writing emails and sermons and what not, we would have short theological discussions. And I need those moments like air.

The other great thing is that libraries are still open, and there is still chocolate to be had in stores. So I intend to do some panic library-ing today, and when it comes to chocolate – I am well-equipped. *high five*

So, folks, stay calm, pray for those who are seriously affected, don’t spread stupid conspiracy theories, go for long walks, and check on those family members who are old and might need assistance.

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A gift from my church member. Might seem small but it isn't. #lovemychurch