As most - or all - of you know, I defended my doctoral thesis on Wednesday.
This degree is probably one of the hardest things I've done in my life. Not so much study wise but just life wise. Studying while living on a college campus is easy - you get to do it full-time and with all the support you need from peers and professors. But studying while working, moving countries, getting married and generally being in the thick of life is much more difficult. Then there is no-one to tell you to take time for studying, you have to do it yourself. You have to fight for the study time. In that sense, getting through a doctoral course is a lot less about being a brilliant expert on a given topic (although, by the end of it, one should know a thing or two about one's area of research) and a lot more about the ability to stick to a project year in and year out without giving up. I have demonstrated that I can do it - I can take on a seemingly never ending project and see it to the end. It is a rewarding knowledge, truly truly.
The last months were difficult. One would think that the closer I got to the finish line the more relaxed I felt. Wrong. The closer I got the more anxious I felt. It was as if my thesis was a big balloon or a very delicate installation that kept growing bigger and therefore more fragile, so that in the end just one wrong move or an unfortunate sneeze could destroy the whole thing.
It was about two months ago when I became convinced that I had not referenced everything properly and that there was one place in my thesis that could throw up red flags in plagiarism check. And then I started to believe, you know, rational adult as I am, that it would lead to me being expelled and publicly flogged. My anxiety got so bad that I had to tell S. who truly is the calm voice of reason in my life. S. said, well, if you think there is something wrong, instead of just sitting on it and worrying about it, you should tell your supervisor and see if there is anything you can do to solve the problem. Of course! So I wrote my supervisor a very awkward email and naturally it turned out that there was nothing wrong with my text. It was just me going insane.
But now it's over. Or will be very soon - there were a couple of editorial corrections the defense committee wanted me to make. They will take three hours to make. That's peanuts.
The defense itself should remain behind the thick curtains of academic secrecy haha. It was tougher than I thought - a little less than two hours of question-answer ping-pong. But by the end of it, the committee didn't take long to deliver the verdict. Passed. Congratulations. Well done.
I feel empty and tired. My head is like a pot of mashed potatoes. I will preach an old and worn sermon tomorrow, hoping for God to have mercy and show up and speak to His people despite my condition.
The happy feelings will certainly follow, too. If not before then definitely on July 9 when I will walk down - for the last time! - Newbold church aisle at their awards ceremony.
