We celebrated our first wedding anniversary yesterday which means that we have now legitimately become a bottomless well of experience and wisdom. But seriously speaking, one year is a time long enough to experience and learn some things. Not overtly much, but some. Yesterday evening after the church service and a lovely lunch at B & S, we sat on the seaside rocks in Grisslehamn, the place where S. took me on our first date two years ago. And we talked about the stuff we have learnt over the past year. Here are some of these things I have learnt:
1. Try and marry a really nice and kind and good-hearted guy, a guy who is not only nice and kind and good-hearted on the first date but also on moments when he is tired, hungry or irritated. That's the best thing one can do and this one, praise be to God, I have nailed.
2. Learn to know each others' love languages. I thought it was more like a mental exercise when we discussed it during our pre-marital counseling but I have found, with surprise, that it actually matters very much. There is a lot of silent beauty in the relationship when you know how your spouse tells you he/she loves you. I know that S's love language is quality time, so all our Sunday hiking trips and museum visits in Stockholm and discolfing and swimming are more than what they seem. They are his wordless way of telling me that he cares for me and loves me. And that makes all the difference in the world for me.
3. Bad mood happens occasionally but it doesn't have to reign supreme. It is possible to control it.
4. Give space and air. I married a fully developed adult human being with his own habits and life patterns so the silliest thing for me would be to try to make him just like myself in every aspect of life. He has his own ways of doing things, I have mine, and that's okay.
5. Some things in us that come from childhood have roots so deep that they are almost impossible to change. In that sense, a similar family dynamics and upbringing may help a lot. One of our differences that comes from my family of origin and has come up for about 87 times over the past year is our eating habits. From very early childhood, my mom hammered into us the knowledge that one does not eat in between the meals and especially, after dinner. And it is hugely difficult for me to break that habit. It just goes so deep. There have been some silly moments when S is like, hey, I bought some chips, let's have a movie night. And I'm like, *gulp* honey, I can't eat, it's way past dinner time. It sounds ridiculous but that's how it is. And only with telling myself that this is important that I eat those chips with him and that it counts as quality time, I have - for a handful of times - been able to break with my habit.
6. Laugh together.
7. Try to make a difference in your head between things that are important and things that are not important.
8. Silence is okay.
9. Keep your hobbies going.
10. Shared faith and principles are a huge thing. It means a world to me that we can go to the church together, that we both put all work aside on Sabbath, that we take part in communion together, that we can pray together, that we have the same Christian hope... Just the other day, we were at the cemetery where my mom is resting, and I told S how much I missed her and how I couldn't wait for Jesus to come back and take us home. I could not picture a life where I wouldn't be able to express and share my deepest Christian longing with my husband like this. So, I am counting my blessings.
I hope the next year will bring new insights and wisdom.
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