5/29/2020

The Chronicles of Freedom


A couple of days ago I took my precious notebook and started a whole new section in it. The title of that section is The Chronicles of Freedom.

The transition from working life to non-working life, from a yoke to a sabbatical, is made up of tiny things and changes. None of these things individually make a big difference but it’s the accumulation of them that matters. And I’m determined to notice and record them, not for anyone else’s sake but for my own sake. Because there is something triumphant about writing down these little things and gathering these precious particles of gold. Something in my weary soul makes a little happy dance every time I write another entry in my notebook.

I’m officially on a leave from this coming Monday onward but I already have a good number of things written down in my Chronicles. I’ll share some with you.

Last night I threw out my work email from my phone. No more easy access to my email! No more constant inbox checking! No more urgent replies! The habit of checking email is strong, true. Sometimes I find myself absentmindedly picking up my phone and opening it and then… remembering that I no longer see my email. The rehab will take a while but the shaking of my addicted hands will be worth it!

I wrote to Classical Radio a couple of weeks ago, picking up a conversation I had dropped last summer. I probably let you know that they made me a very attractive offer – to try and become one of their morning program hosts. I had to let them down last year because the waves of school and work and lecturing threatened to drown me then. But the whole thing has kept bugging me ever since so I picked up my courage and wrote again and let them know that I would be more than happy to give their morning programs another try this year. I didn’t receive a reply for two weeks. And I was sad because I took their silence for an answer. But lo and behold, on Tuesday, two weeks after my initial email, I received a reply. Yes, you are welcome, if all goes well we’ll add you to our morning program rota in September. Whoooooooosh! The fact that my knowledge about classical music is superficial will probably end my radio career before it has a chance to begin but all these future embarrassing moments don’t bother me at all. Well, not yet!

I cleaned my office desk today. I wiped it clean clean clean (because the Union president wants to have it lol) and didn’t shed a single tear! Bye!

I had a chat with NJ the other day and there was this moment in our conversation when I thought he was prophesying. He does that every now and then, in the middle of casual conversations he suddenly changes the gear and says stuff that has this odd weight and meaningfulness to it that I can’t fully comprehend. I love those moments. And he said things about how God is orchestarting everything in my life, every detail, every note, and by the end of it I’ll be blown away by its beauty and magnificence. I HAD to write this down in my notebook despite my gnawing doubts. Please please please let these words come true.

Next week I’m hitting Tartu for the first time after this world war. I have no idea when I’ll come back to Tallinn, no idea where I’ll go from there. Should I go to my dad’s? Do I want to spend some times at M.’s? Or in my cousin’s summer house? Do I want to go to Pärnu and take over the beach? So many choices!

I think that’s what you’d call freedom.

And Jamie Cullum, sweetheart, hits the bull’s eye by singing, "Endings are like beginnings."

5/21/2020

A Monthly Newsletter


It's week two of school in Zoomland. Every evening I experience a schizophrenic moment - seeing all these familiar faces and having got used to the school rhythm, I want to go to the dorm after the class and then have dinner in the caf and later hit the library or watch a movie with my classmates. But instead, I find myself walking home from my church office, and I can't help but have this surprised look on my face. Something's wrong here, my two worlds are clashing in an odd way.

But the classes are good and Zoom is slightly less exhausting than I feared. And there is always an opportunity of sending private messages on Zoom which, on the one hand, distracts but, on the other hand, adds some spice to the class. I just pray the private messages don't show on the host's screen! If they do, oh man, this is the end of me.

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Life is slowly returning to its normal rhythms and habits. The restaurants are open again - I know because I had my birthday lunch with dad and K. in my favourite place and it felt like a revenge for all these times I've been turned down on the door because the place was full of tourists. Now it was almost empty and all the clients were locals. It's actually a welcomed change. Gyms are also open - I know because I've just come from one. There was a big smile on my face while running on treadmill although it took me considerably longer than usual to get my 6K done. The pool is still closed but that's ok, they'll open it one day, too. Friends are again within my reach - I know because I've sat in a sauna (and have listened to all the gossip I've missed) and have baked a chocolate cake with some of them. Even churches are open again - I know because this last Saturday, I didn't watch an online service from my couch but went to my home church. It was just a little group that gathered but it was church nevertheless! And a potluck!

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There's one thing I wanted to share. During the national emergency, an extra church service was added to the program of our National Broadcast. And toward the end of the emergency, our church's turn came to have this service. It so happened that our service was to be aired on Mother's Day Sunday. And in the beginning, I tried to convince I. (with whom I was asked to conduct the service) that the Mother's Day wasn't that important and we could pick any other topic. But then a clear signal came from the tv guys about the Mother's Day being very important, and my heart just sank. Suddenly I didn't want to be a part of it. Actually, I had a message written on my phone, telling I. he should find someone else to do this service with beacuse I wasn't up for it. I stared at that message for a while and then deleted it without sending it. I took a couple of deep breaths and decided I could do it.

And I told whoever was on the other side of the camera lens and tv screen about my experience. How I try and stay away from the social media on MD so that I wouldn't have to think about the meaning of this day. I don't have Mother's Day any more. And I never will. But if there is any truth to Romans' 8th chapter, the love of Christ is always with me, no matter what.

In a way, what followed didn't surprise me. So many thank you messages from people to whom the Mother's Day is not about flowers and family breakfasts but about deep pain. And I recognise God's handwriting in it. It's exactly where my clay pot is most broken that His glory shines through the brightest.

We were also crucified, of course, me and I., by some lovely church members. Because the service was aired on a SUNDAY morning. Fallen, fallen is the great Babylon, and together with it also I. and M.! But that comes with a package, I guess. *sigh*

Here is the service. Sorry for not providing subtitles!