I was really upset last week when I realised that my work schedule wouldn't let me go visit my parents on any other day but Wednesday. The thing was that my mum had yet another chemo shot on Wednesday morning. And I knew a tough scene would wait for me at home, and that I couldn't do anything else but to sit on her bed side and see her suffer. And so it was. For one rebellious moment when my daugther's instinct kicked in I thought I'd just show the world my middle finger, leave all other obligations in my church and in Newbold, turn off my phone, and not leave her side until she has recovered.

But I had to leave home anyway. This time it was only dad who could walk me to the bus station and wave me goodbye...

But I came to Newbold a few days later. MJ greeted me in the airport with a massive bouquet of flowers and took me to our favourite Asian restaurant in Reading. And I've seen my brothers Q. and B. again, my dear friend A-K. is here from Norway, the sweetest girl L. is helping me in every way she can, and there are other beautiful people who seem to have so much love for me, love that I've never really deserved. Plus I can go and sit in every single office in Murdoch Hall and talk to any of my lecturers, and they all speak life and encouragement into my heart and are truly concerned about my well-being and ministry.

And all the time there are some words of Jesus that just keep coming back to me these days, 'I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property.' And it's all coming true, for there's absolutely no other reason I have left my family behind than the Good News and Jesus. But He's fulfilling His promise right in front of my eyes - He has truly given me another family here in Newbold. I'v received a hundredfold for everything I've had to leave behind. It doesn't take away the heartache but it sure balances it with joy and love and grace. And thus I have all the reasons in the world to be thankful.

Tuesday's Tune

Macy Graaaaay! This week's tune is Macy Gray's amazing I Try. I especially like this acoustic version, it brings out the uniqueness of her voice even more than the commercial version. It looks like October is turning into Black Ladies Month. And I'm not even sorry for it. :)

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So I touched down in Newbold last night. I fell asleep with a massive smile on my face. Some pleaces simply make you happy, and Newbold is the place that makes me happy.

Two days ago I sat around a table and had a breakfast with a whole bunch of Tartu's pastors from different denominations. Adventists, Baptists, Lutherans, representatives of different charismatic churches, etc. Eight men and me, to be precise: suit, suit, sweater, suit, suit, suit, alb, and uhmm, a polka dot blouse. The initial and natural instinct was to ask the ground to swallow me - especially when they started the meeting with a collective staring contest. You know, all these minority issues suddenly seemed to come alive and line up to be on the agenda. All that stuff I've already had to deal with while studying theology (even to the point of talking about it to the Lady in a counseling room). But then I was like, no, I have absolutely no reason to feel awkward, and neither do I have any reason to make all these fine gentlemen and colleagues feel awkward. I introduced myself shortly, two sentences about my family history, four about my education (approving humming on the background, some jaws dropping), and one about how glad I was to share my calling with them. And then I experienced a warm and heart-felt welcome from Tartu's pastors. No more staring, no awkwardness.

And after the meeting I thought, this is all God's doing. He has created me, and He has called me. It's quite simple really. And there is no need for me to unnaturally create an issue where there is none. And neither is there any need for me to feel 'oppressed'. I am who God wanted me to be. Have I experienced misunderstanding or unequal treatment? Heck, yeah. But why should I let this get on the way of my calling or my relationships? Why should I let it poison my life? Or why should I make men feel awkward simply because they've been created to be men and ministers of God? No reason, I tell you, no reason. For God's doing can't be abolished by man's opinion.

Sometimes (not always though) these minority issues really aren't as tragic as we think they are.

Next meeting with my fellow ministers in the end of November - I think I'll wear pink. :)

Tuesday's Tune

Black History Month, week 2. Today it has to be Lizz Wright and her song When I Fall. I won't even try to describe the song or the emotion, there would be too many superlatives in that sentence.

If I look down now
Tell me, will I fall?
And what if the water's cold
When I fall

--

Six days until Newbold, and counting.

Autumn

Fields of gold

My favourite park

Red

Stairs

Autumn at its best

I had a free Sabbath afternoon yesterday. Which is a rare thing around here. So I spent my time in the best way I could imagine - I took my camera and headed to park. Enjoy the colours!

I think I had a revelation the other evening. Sort of. I was skyping with MJ and we were talking about our lives and everything. And she asked me about what I'm going to preach about this coming Sabbath. And I told her - I'll speak about Jacob's fight with God and what it does to you when you suddenly meet God in your darkest hour and when you've got enough courage to put up a fight and ask for a blessing. And how you walk away limping but being a new man with a new name. For you have fought God Himself and have been touched by Him.

And then we talked about other things more personal and she's suddenly like, well, why don't you fight God to get this specific blessing in your life. And it was as if suddenly all the dots in my sermon were connected to my own life. And instantly that story became more personal and more relevant to me than ever before. It started speaking to me in a way I never thought this old story could speak. And I seem not be able to get it out of my head now.

So I've decided to put up a fight. I feel like anyone should feel in such situation - I'm a tiny speck of dust in front of God Almighty. I've never felt so small in my life. And I know I'm no worthy opponent to Him. And I don't have much strength so part of my prayer is - please, let the morning dawn soon. But I'm fighting. I don't want to let go before He has granted me this special blessing. It's beautiful and scary all at the same time because I know that if He answers and if He lets me see the dawn, I'll be limping my hip for the rest of my life, so to speak. And so be it, I'm ready to pay that price for I also know that this blessing would renew me and give me a new purpose and new strength. So I've decided to tell Him every day, "I won't let you go unless you bless me."

And I won't let go.

Until He blesses me.

Oh, guys, I really need to share this with you! I've started yet another project with a few friends - a monthly video message project for our church's young people. I got the idea from SEC's Monday Morning Messages and my wish was that something similar happened also here in Estonia. When I came back home in May and started sharing this idea, it turned out that some other people had thought of a similar thing, too. So once again I found out what I already knew and had experienced - you only need one Spirit, a handful of friends, and a good idea to get a project started. And so we did.

So here's our September's message. It's called Rabbis and Disciples. I don't have time to translate the whole thing and add subtitles (sorry!) but the central message is about education. I tell there how the school system worked back in Jesus' times and how the most brilliant young men got the privilege to become a rabbi's disciples. And the fact that Jesus found his disciples in a fishing boats means that these young guys didn't make the cut and had already been sent home for they were not brilliant enough. And how Jesus came and made them His kingdom's heroes, despite the fact that they were losers in the eyes of the society. And how Jesus keeps doing the same thing also today.

The place where we shot the video is also significant. You see there a huge statue which is kind of a symbol of education for us, Estonians. It has been built for a brilliant guy - Kristjan Jaak Peterson - who lived in the 19th century, who's regarded as a founder of modern Estonian poetry, who was all about education, and who died at the age of 21. So he's a bit mystical and romantic national symbol for us. It felt appropriate to speak about education at his feet haha.

Here are also a few pictures from our video shooting.