3/18/2015

I have this cousin whom I like very much. When he went to school he did it in so many different countries he was barely ever in Estonia so his connection to the rest of the family was very weak. As a child, I only knew his name, and that was pretty much it. And then at one point he reappeared and started coming to our yearly family gatherings again. And then some time passed again and he started inviting us to his place. And then a lot of time passed and my mum died and my cousin almost adopted me. Now he's always inviting me over. Also, he was the one who threw me a big party at his summer house when I left Tartu church last August. He's cool.

And I don't quite know how to put it into words but being at his place is always a spiritual experience for me. Not a religious one, but spiritual. I don't know how he'd react to my words because he's not a religious person at all. He's not interested in Christianity or anything else. He's too intelligent to be ironic about it - especially as half of our family is very religious - but he's just not into any of it. So it's such a strange thing to be at his place and feel this way. I remember being there just a few days before Christmas when his younger son turned five. The whole apartment was full of people and we had a real feast of a birthday dinner and then we sang Christmas songs together (even a few Christian ones which really surprised me) and went to sauna and in general had a wonderful time. And what shocked me then and does every time I go there is the amount of love I always encounter there. Like, the whole house was just full of love. There was so much of it. It was so beautiful I don't know how to describe it.

I felt the same way last week when I stayed at their place in Tartu. When I sat at their huge kitchen table and had an early morning tea and watch the family getting ready for work and kindergarten, it made me think about it more seriously. Because the thing is I only believe in one source of love. God. I don't think it can come from any other person or source. And He's like everywhere when I go to my cousin's house. All over the place. Like I said, going there is a very spiritual experience for me. It's just that they have a different name for it or they don't notice it the way I do or they're really so used to living in the presence of God it's so natural of a thing for them they don't even need words to describe it. I don't know which. But it always touches me very deeply when I'm around them. And I guess that's what always happens when you're in the presence of God. It touches you in a profound way.

And I'm slowly coming to a place where I can say with conviction that everything really is spiritual. I wasn't very keen on the idea in the past but more and more I can see God in places and in people from whom I wouldn't expect it. And I really like this. It's like you have to be ready to bump into Him anywhere you go. And sometimes - which makes me both happy and sad - you encounter Him in places you least expect Him to be and you can barely see a hint of Him somewhere you'd expect Him to be present in a very obvious way. Strangest thing.

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