Divide and Rule

I am trying to use a slogan stolen from the colonial powers in the 18th century - Divide and Rule. The European colonisers used it to weaken the small native/national groups, making them fight each other and thus turning them into easier targets to conquer. For me it means something completely different. I'm just trying to use it as a moto for dividing my own tasks in a way that everything gets (more or less) done and I remain (more or less) intact.

Trying to get everything done without dividing has not worked.

A month or two ago, the stress levels got so high that I could present a new health problem to S. every week. Honey, this week I feel very dizzy in my head. This week I have problems with my stomach. Next week there's something else. Duh. 

So. Divide. And rule.

In the beginning of November I focused on my church work. Four sermons at a teenagers weekend needed time and preaching energy and the grace of God. A lot of that last one. 

The last couple of weeks have belonged almost entirely to SFI, my language school. On November 22 and 23 I had my first national Swedish exam. On the first day we had a 4 hour exam with listening, reading and writing tasks. On the next day we had the oral exam, in the form of both a group discussion and an individual conversation. I knew I would pass the exam but still it took an enormous amount of energy and effort. I am a perfectionist by my nature, and while it can be a good thing in some contexts, perfectionism can turn into an ugly enemy in others. Always pressing oneself to give the maximum - especially in language studies where The Best is unattainable - can be a tiring thing. But I did what I could, reading and listening to some extra Swedish news every day and writing some extra texts, trying to guess the possible topics for writing and oral exams, and always pushing myself to say a few extra sentences in the classroom. Anyway, once the exam itself started, everything went very smoothly. The feeling was good and the conversation more or less flowed (on a beginners level, of course, haha). After more than a week of waiting, I finally got the results. The listening and reading tests I passed with 100% and while they don't give out procentages or grades for writing and speaking (you either just pass or don't), my teacher said they were both high above the expected level of course C. So next week I will start course D. The feeling of progress is very rewarding - it feels like finally the long hours in school are starting to pay off.

This week I have requested a leave from my work, and having excused myself at school I am intending to sit at home the whole time and finish writing my bloody dissertation. Not much remains to be done, but even these bits and pieces take huge effort - sort out the appendixes, write the concluding chapter, create some order in the endless chaos of reference list, wait for the final feedback from the second reader, go through some earlier feedback... Honestly, I would much rather go to SFI every morning. But it has to be done now. This chapter must be closed. New ones are waiting. 

The only thing in my life that requires no effort and no dividing is the joy of waiting for S. to come home from work every evening. If it wasn't for his love and sanity and calmness, I would not make it. I know it sounds like an Oscar's acceptance speech but truly. Truly.

I find a lot of comfort in knowing that this phase in life will pass. The dissertation will get defended and I will speak this new language effortlessly one glorious day. New things will come, of course, and they, too, will need dividing and ruling. But some wonderful things, I hope, will never change or get divided - here's to S. ❤