Lost for Words

It's not often that I'm lost for words. Words are my tools, I make my living by using them so I'm used to finding the right ones. But as I try to find some words to describe what has happened in my life over the past 1,5 months, I'm lost. I'm staring at my screen, not knowing what to say. Because anything I might say will fall short of reality. 

But I'll try.

I went to Sweden in the beginning of June, dragging my feet. It had been a nightmare of a spring and I was wasted. I wasn't sure I had anything left in me to say to people there. But I got into the rhythm of preaching and of life over there, got together with lovely old friends and got to know a couple of new people and I started enjoying myself more and more with every passing day. And at some point I realised something was coming my way that I really hadn't anticipated. I didn' know if there was anything I could do about it - or should do, because I'm just no good when it comes to romantic feelings and relationships. No good at all. But although I had no idea what's the right thing to do, right things started happening anyway. So when I had an extra free day to spend in Ekebyholm after preaching my last sermon, everything happened really fast. And within less than 24 hours every big question I might or might not have had got an answer. S. whisked me off to the coast that last morning, we spent some 8 hours together and by the evening when I had to catch my plane, everything was clear. And when I say clear, I mean crystal clear. We had both found the person we had been praying for and hoping to find all these years. There was no question, no doubt left in either one of our hearts.

Honestly, if I heard anyone else say what I've just said, I would either think this person is a) immature and a little silly or b) overtly dramatic. Oh, come one, the real life is not a Hollywood script, these kind of things don't happen. But as hard as I try, I can't see myself in either of these categories. I think I have a rather mature attitude to life. And although I can be a bit of a drama queen occasionally (I think S. would agree haha), I still have a head on my shoulders. So the only option left is that these things do happen occasionally. They happened to me, anyway. To us.

I flew home that night and then woke up the next morning to a text from S. - to a kind of text message I had never received in my life until that moment - and although my apartment looked the same and although the world outside my window kept turning and hurrying just like it had done a week ago, something in my reality had shifted. The world looked completely different to me. I've said it already but I say it again - suddenly, life had colors to it! And light! It was as if I had lived in a monochrome world my whole life and suddenly I woke up to colors for the first time that morning. 

I'm sorry if this sounds terribly cheesy to you but I can't find better words. 

So now we live in a different rhythm. Mostly we live in the rhythm of visits. When will you come over? When can I go over? Have you already booked your tickets? What about our Christmas plans? There's some frustration to this rhythm (mostly because I get impatient, also because of the possible travel restrictions) but there's also beauty to it. There's emotional intensity to every moment we can spend together, there are funny messages, there are "day counts" as I call them, there are plans for the future, there are movie scenes from airports. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way (or maybe I would scrap the Covid tests haha). 

And one more thing. I had always thought romantic relationships were a private thing. This is about the two of us! But with a great surprise and delight I've found that so much of it is a community thing, and a family thing. Naturally, there are moments that are not to be shared with anyone else, or words that are not meant for anyone else's ears, but so much of this new reality can be shared with others. And I have been totally floored over these last months and weeks, because I have received so much love and support from all over, so many happy messages from friends, so many new acquaintances, so many Facebook likes haha. And spending a week with S.'s family, with his parents and brother's family and aunties and uncles and cousins and granny was just wonderful. Suddenly I have all these people I didn't have (or even knew about) before and they are my people now. It's absolutely marvelous!

So I'm enjoying every moment of this journey, knowing well that our time in this world is limited. There's no time to waste, there's only time for us to live as beautifully and meaningfully as we possibly can. So that in the end - whenever the end comes - we would be able to look back with gratitude and joy.