The transition from working life to non-working life, from a yoke to a sabbatical, is made up of tiny things and changes. None of these things individually make a big difference but it’s the accumulation of them that matters. And I’m determined to notice and record them, not for anyone else’s sake but for my own sake. Because there is something triumphant about writing down these little things and gathering these precious particles of gold. Something in my weary soul makes a little happy dance every time I write another entry in my notebook.
I’m officially on a leave from this coming Monday onward but I already have a good number of things written down in my Chronicles. I’ll share some with you.
Last night I threw out my work email from my phone. No more easy access to my email! No more constant inbox checking! No more urgent replies! The habit of checking email is strong, true. Sometimes I find myself absentmindedly picking up my phone and opening it and then… remembering that I no longer see my email. The rehab will take a while but the shaking of my addicted hands will be worth it!
I wrote to Classical Radio a couple of weeks ago, picking up a conversation I had dropped last summer. I probably let you know that they made me a very attractive offer – to try and become one of their morning program hosts. I had to let them down last year because the waves of school and work and lecturing threatened to drown me then. But the whole thing has kept bugging me ever since so I picked up my courage and wrote again and let them know that I would be more than happy to give their morning programs another try this year. I didn’t receive a reply for two weeks. And I was sad because I took their silence for an answer. But lo and behold, on Tuesday, two weeks after my initial email, I received a reply. Yes, you are welcome, if all goes well we’ll add you to our morning program rota in September. Whoooooooosh! The fact that my knowledge about classical music is superficial will probably end my radio career before it has a chance to begin but all these future embarrassing moments don’t bother me at all. Well, not yet!
I cleaned my office desk today. I wiped it clean clean clean (because the Union president wants to have it lol) and didn’t shed a single tear! Bye!
I had a chat with NJ the other day and there was this moment in our conversation when I thought he was prophesying. He does that every now and then, in the middle of casual conversations he suddenly changes the gear and says stuff that has this odd weight and meaningfulness to it that I can’t fully comprehend. I love those moments. And he said things about how God is orchestarting everything in my life, every detail, every note, and by the end of it I’ll be blown away by its beauty and magnificence. I HAD to write this down in my notebook despite my gnawing doubts. Please please please let these words come true.
Next week I’m hitting Tartu for the first time after this world war. I have no idea when I’ll come back to Tallinn, no idea where I’ll go from there. Should I go to my dad’s? Do I want to spend some times at M.’s? Or in my cousin’s summer house? Do I want to go to Pärnu and take over the beach? So many choices!
I think that’s what you’d call freedom.
And Jamie Cullum, sweetheart, hits the bull’s eye by singing, "Endings are like beginnings."
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