Exit Strategy

On Saturday I had a long conversation with U. We were discussing a sermon he is preparing, and it brought back memories from our glorious Newbold days when we would play table tennis in the student centre and have endless discussions on sermons (his sermons, that is, I never discuss mine before preaching). 

One Biblical text we talked about was that of John – where he says that only love drives our fear. It basically means that love and fear are opposites (not love and hate, or fear and courage, as we are used to think). I really liked that idea. And I made up my mind on the spot – only love can bring me out of that atmosphere of fear we’re stuck in. I decided „love driving out fear“ would be my exit strategy (with exit strategy being such a hot topic everywhere).

I didn’t know any better – I wrote to the manager of the local Food Bank and asked if I could volunteer. They are quite reluctant when it comes to letting in random strangers but I swore I had been well and healthy over these past weeks so she let me join them. Because, on the other hand, they don’t have enough (wo)manpower there. The number of people who need food packages is going up and up daily, and a number of regular volunteers are out of play at the moment, taking care of their health. So for the past couple of days, I have been putting together food parcels, lifting boxes, pushing trolleys, counting cans and tins and chocolate bars. By the evening, my feet are burning and my back is aching but that’s a small problem. I actually feel wonderful because I can be useful. And because doing good to others dissolves my own fear/anxiety. Of course, it would be safer to stay home. Even though we use gloves and masks at the Food Bank, we can’t have a decent distance in between us and sometimes some guys walk around with bare faces (the horror!). But in my heart I know the risk is worth it.

When my shift is over, I shyly glance at the people outside the Food Bank’s distribution counter. Elderly people. Parents who cannot feed their families. A mother who asks if there is any cake because it’s her child’s birthday… (I'm not making this up) And I feel almost physically how my world is being streched. Because I’ve never known that kind of people. I didn’t really think they existed. But they do, pretty much outside my window. It’s unnerving and yet, a necessary realisation. I don’t know what to do with that realisation but it’s here and by the looks of it, it’s not going to go away.

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To be honest with you, I’m exiting all sorts of things these days. My job, for example.

I’m not ready to discuss it in depth it but today the conference’s ex com approved my application to have an unpaid leave from the beginning of June until the end of December. And I’m not sure I will return after that.

Because I’m exhausted. Because my well is empty. Because I don’t get along with God any more. Because I don’t think I’m strong enough for this job. And because I wish He called someone else, someone tougher and better.

We’ll see where this road will take me. If there is any road left for me.