If it was up to me, I would make everyone who’s in quarantine keep a diary for 14 days. It’s amazing how much you find out about yourself and life once you’re forced to slow down and face yourself, that beautiful and terrible self of yours.
Things I have found out about myself aren’t really that surprising, to be honest. But the clarity of these things is what amazes me.
First, I’ve known for a while I’m a HSP, a highly sensitive person. And one thing that characterises HSPs is an odd, overdeveloped sense of empathy. Like, I go listen to my favourite pianists in a concert hall and before the concert begins, my heart starts pounding and my palms get sweaty. I’m not kidding. Someone says they’ve recently had a stomach bug and I instantly feel sick in my stomach. So what do you think happens to me during a worldwide pneumonia pandemic? Of course I get those odd chest pains. It got pretty bad on Thursday night, at some point I even felt I couldn’t breathe properly. And all the while I knew it was in my head. The battle is not in my lungs but between my ears. It’s so strange.
Secondly, my reaction to all this stuff getting cancelled. My vacation was cancelled and I was like meh. The GC got postponed and I was like meh. No love lost there. The moment I finally realised our Newbold school session would be switched to stupid Zoom, I sat on my couch and wept. I’m such an nerd.
Third. I’m worrying a little bit about running out of stuff. But I don’t mean food. I mean books. I only have 5 library books at home and during the past week I have actually been rationing my reading time. I’ve been like, ok, that’s enough for today, don’t be greedy, remember you have at least 1,5 weeks of isolation still ahead of you, be sensible now. So I only read 2 books last week, and started the third one.
Other than occasional moments of panic about getting old and wrinkled in this isolation and occasional breathing problems, I’m fine. Most of the time my mood is good although sometimes the loneliness is hard to bear. I’m baking bread. I’m cleaning my little apartment – I don’t think my bathroom has ever been as clean as it is now. I’ve offered prayer to my Estonian friends and I have 104 names on my prayer list now (I’ve managed to go through 70 of them). I listen to good music (Berlin Philharmonics, bless them, have opened their online concert hall for free!). I start my days with an ice cold shower. I’m sitting in all the conference’s online meetings. I ration news reading time – just read any newspaper for half an hour and you get an anxiety attack. I’m ordering food from a cafe just around the corner because I know they’re struggling without clients. I’m listening to audio Bible. I chat with my auntie. I look awful. And when I feel like losing my mind, I sneak out for a walk.
Here are a few pics from my solitary confinement:
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