7/08/2019

Donald Duck

I have to start with an apology for going mute for more than six months. I didn’t plan it, I didn’t intend it, and to this day I don’t quite know how or why it happened. I suppose some spring in me ran dry and needed a considerable time to recover. I hope water will flow again!

There is no point in my trying to recapture everything that has happened over the past months. And in some sense, not much has happened. I mostly live my everyday, rather routine life. No groundbreaking decisions, no sudden life changes to report on. Haven’t won any jackpots, as it is. On the other hand, a lot has happened that would have deserved a blog post. 

For example, I went to Newbold in mid February for the Week of Spiritual Emphasis. They had invited me to preach there and I ended up speaking for 10 times over 7 days (double sermons on Sabbaths and a college assembly, plus the mid-week evenings). It was exhilarating as it was exhausting. Half way throught the week I lost my sleep as lines from my sermons kept popping up in my head in the middle of night, and I literally had to take sleeping pills to be able to get through that week. The week ended in real emotional high as I preached my very favourite sermon at the Family Service. I preached completely without my notes – meaning, I had memorised the sermon – after getting some 3 hours of sleep. How that was possible, I still don’t know. It was one of the clearest miracles I’ve ever experienced in my life. Dr A. N. warned me that I should be careful about hitting a low after such a high. I didn’t take the warning very seriously until I got home and woke up one morning, unable to get out of bed. I hit such an emotional low I sat on my bed and wept for the better part of three days. I had never experienced anything like this (but then again, I had never preached like a madman either, day after day, evening after evening), and I suddenly understood all sorts of rock stars and their addictions a lot better. Not that I am a rock star of a preacher but „when the tour bus drop off and all light lock off and I’m a mere mortal again“ - as Stephen Marley puts it, and I think he knows a thing or two - it is easy to turn to some substance that would make you feel better and help you through the period of exhaustion. Without substances (in case anyone is wondering), it took me a couple of weeks to crawl out of that pit. Now I am almost fearful of accepting preaching invites from abroad, it just takes such a terrible toll on me. 

This is how I kept track of sermons preached - the paper clips represented the sermons that were done, the manuscripts that were thrown away.

And in May I was back to Newbold for my own studies. It was so very different this time, compared to last spring. I went to people whom I actually knew. I liked the course we took (on spirituality) but mostly I was happy with how solid some of the new friendships had turned out to be. NJ and G. in particular were such angels and took such a good care of me. I don’t know how I’ve deserved people like that in my life, but when I returned home in the beginning of June I felt as if I had born again. These guys are a balm to my soul.

With G. and NJ on our way back to campus after a late dinner.

What else? Oh, I became an aunt again, just a couple of days ago. I have a nameless nephew now, and that’s so sweet. My brother S. and my niece E. who is just about to turn three stayed at my place last night (even new born babies cannot keep Estonians away from Song Festivals, but that’s another story), and it is clear she’s going through this ’take that thing away and give my mommy back’ phase which is probably more common than we would like to think. I talked to her this morning about how sweet it is to have a little brother and asked what kind of name she would like to give him. She was resolute – the only name she would accept is Donald Duck. I was floored, I thought it absolutely hilarious, S., poor guy, wasn’t amused. :D

But the Song Festival then. We managed a choir of 22 000+ singers yesterday, together with the spectators the number of people was said to have hit the magical 100 000. I will not even try to describe something that is indescribable (although this short video does a decent job in explaining some of that phenomenon, do take a look), all I can say is that I will carry this memory with me for the rest of my life. And there’s no escaping the truth – when you’re born an Estonian, you’re born a singer. The Song Festival that comes every five years, that’s the very nature and essence of Estonian-ness. I still have a ’hangover’ – my throat is sour and feet swollen but the emotion is sweeter than honey to the soul.
Just a drop in the ocean.

It’s good to be back!

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