One of the odd things about pastoral work is the concept of free time (or its absence). When you have a regular nine to five job, it's natural to have your weekends off. But what about a job where there are no fixed office hours and where weekends are the busiest time of the whole week? When do you have your 'weekend' then? I've heard of pastors who literally switch off their phone for one day each week and tell their members they can't be reached on that day. Like, ever. And it really appeals to me, such an approach, but I also know I could never pull it off. So the idea of free time is kind of vague for me. And with vagueness on one hand and a big work load on the other, it's rather easy to come to a place where there really is no free time. (Having a workaholic for a senior pastor doesn't help either.)

But today I took a day off. For my own sake and for my church members' sake as well.

It was almost a disastrous day yesterday. It began with my realisation I had lost a sermon manuscript. I had preached that sermon in English for a couple of times during my Newbold years and I had decided to preach it this coming weekend here but there is no sign of it any more. And I was like, WHAT?! How's that even possible? My sermon manuscripts are my most valuable possession and the most important thing I'll take with me from this job. How can you lose one? So I couldn't decide whether I should try to recreate it from my memory or whether I should try to write a new one on the same passage. Which ended up in me not being able to do either. In general, sermon writing is easy for me, sometimes even too easy. So not being able to put one on paper is terribly frustrating. And then later in the afternoon we had a meeting with my senior pastor and he had a sort of an anxiety attack, I think. He works too hard and he cares too much. And then this happens... And the thing with anxiety is that it's kind of contagious. So when I went to gym late in the evening and realised I couldn't stop thinking and worrying about all that church business, I knew I needed some time off.

It feels really strange. I have a half written sermon, ten unanswered emails, and a hometics lecture next week I haven't prepared for but I'm sitting in a cafe, reading Alice Walker, drinking tea, and waiting for K. to come from his office next door and have lunch with me. I got my hair cut earlier today, and soon I'll be off to gym again. And The Imitation Game later in the evening. Part of my brain is raging and telling me the world is on the verge of collapsing, the other part of it is like, thank you, Jesus!

Maybe I need to stop and let go - even if for a day - so that I could be reminded again that the world doesn't really depend on me. It was here before me and will be here long after I'm done and gone. It does not really hinge on my doings. I know it and yet, I think I don't quite yet.

A day off. Peace on earth.