It was undoubtedly my most touching and emotional stay in Newbold so far. To be honest, I was astonished by my capacity to feel so much and by my boldness to actually go through all these emotions. Like I've said before, I felt a sense of great relief to see Newbold functioning so normally, almost untouched by my personal tragedies. And at the same time I couldn't (and couldn't have possibly) escape from encounters with the Great Darkness. I had a few - brief but violent - breakdowns which gave me an insight to a place so dark I can't even begin to describe it. (Now I understand people who do unexpected things because when you're in that place, all you can think of is how to put an end to that darkness. People find different ways of ending it.) I felt the sweet sensation of accomplishment. I felt unconditional acceptance. I saw some of my friendships soar, simple acts and words of love in a park or library enriching my life immensely. I could feel others' pain. I witnessed the life of one of my dear friends being violently disrupted and turned upside down just in a few hours. I experienced some people willingly open up their hearts and lives and letting me closer. I experienced the pain of seeing some important relationships slipping through my fingers, despite the best intentions to preserve them. And I felt the pain and joy of making myself vulnerable in a way I'd never done before.
In short, I experienced life in all its misery and glory. I lived. And I guess it's true what they say - that only in suffering we become really human. Only by losing our life we truly find it.
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Claude Debussy, Claire de Lune. Probably one of the most beautiful piano pieces ever written.
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