To Receive More Than You Give

It was some years ago that I went through the deepest crisis of my faith. Things between me and God got really ugly. It was like a street fight.

One of my main complaints and the thing that really drained my faith was the feeling that I was always giving more than I received. Working in the church, my focus was always on other people, what I could give them, how I could be helpful to them. But then in the end of the day I would come home to my empty apartment, often feeling lonely and grief-stricken, without anyone asking me how I was doing, and the world looked unfair. Or, rather, God looked unfair. I was trying to stay faithful to God and my calling, constantly giving, but I myself never received enough, or so it felt.  

Fast forward to the present day. 

The wonderful, caring ladies in Ekebyholm church started a Meal Train for our family when L. arrived. I thought people showing up on your door step with warm casseroles was something that only happened in Hollywood movies but no, it has turned out to be a reality for us over these past weeks. Every second evening, there is a soft knock on our door or a discreet text message on our phones, letting us know that another warm meal has been delivered to us. And it makes me tear up right now as I write this - there is something deeply, deeply healing about it. It is not just that I do not have time - or often energy - to cook myself. It is not just that sometimes I sit with a sleeping baby on my lap for two hours straight, unable to even get a glass of water. It is so much more for me - it is the deep and healing realisation that I am in a place where I receive so much more than I give.

Because let's be honest - I am pretty useless these days. Of course, I have one job, to keep this tiny human alive - and it's a big one. But when it comes to the society and when it comes to the church, I'm not doing anything. I am not working, I am not producing anything, I am not supporting anyone, I am not sharing the Word, I am not giving anything. And at this tender moment in my life - I am receiving so much! There is so much love and care around us, and my faith in humanity and in the infinite goodness of God is being restored in a way I never thought was possible (or needed). 

I have tried to take a picture of every meal we have received (I think I have forgotten to do it twice - maybe we were just so hungry haha). I want to keep these photos for the years to come as a reminder of the time when I received more than I gave. It feels important to do it.

Peter once told Jesus, "We have left everything behind for your sake, what do we get in return?" I wonder if there was a hint of accusation in his voice when he asked this - just like there was a lot more than a hint of accusation in my voice when I threw this question at God. Jesus didn't mind the question. He replied, "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much." Hundred times as much! I am pretty sure He had His church in mind when He said that - there is this miracle that happens in the Kingdom community where people take care of each other. They receive hundredfold for everything they have given (up). These words have come true for me in a very tangible, real way.

Thank you, my dear friends at Ekebyholm (many of whom have little children at home themselves), for your love and warmth. It means a world to me. 

Welcome!

Today there is only one thing to be said - welcome to the big world, little Lucas!

He made his grand entry into the world two and a half weeks ago, on November 10th. If anyone had told me that the labour would take more than 20 hours and I would lose more than a liter of blood in the process, I would have died of horror and fear on the spot. Not knowing the future is truly a grace of God.

Interestingly and paradoxically enough, I only have good memories from the whole thing. And it is exactly because everything went so slowly. I had time to adjust myself mentally, everything was so calm, there was never a moment of panic or hurry or uncertainty. 

I was three days over my due date and by that stage, one has developed an almost unhealthy interest in every tiny feeling and sign that the delivery may start soon. I detected the very first "Could that be it?" sensation early on Saturday morning. By the time S. came back from the church, it was clear that things were really happening. But as said, everything developed very slowly and I felt comfortable at home, bouncing on the pilates ball and blasting worship music. It was only around 5 PM when I felt like it would be smart to go to the hospital. Since the hospital we were assigned to was an hour's drive away, I did not want to leave it to the last minute. But again, we were very calm and contrary to all the hospital drive stories that I've heard, S. did not speed at all. Once we were in the hospital, they did the initial examination and asked about my wishes and preferences as to the rest of the delivery.

And on these kinds of moments it is so important to know oneself. Over the past months, I had come to two very clear conclusions about my personality and ability. First, that being a highly sensitive person I would probably be more sensitive to pain than an average person. And secondly, that I was no hero and that a completely natural and unmedicated birth was not on my wish list. I have enormous amount of respect for women who knowingly choose unmedicated birth but I knew it was not a priority for me. I know my limits.

So, I was like, what kind of drugs do you have in this wonderful establishment, I would like to try all of them, thank you! They started with a bit of that gas that makes you feel funny in your head, and after a little while, a kind doctor came and gave me epidural. Now, the epidural stories are also very different. I was hoping it would take away the sharp edge of the pain. What I did not expect was that it would completely take away pain. But that's what happened, and I spent most of that night scrolling Twitter and looking at the ceiling, not feeling anything. S. could even take a nap on the sofa. 

I am Team Epidural forever!

The only really hard part was the pushing that took more than two hours and got my doctor really worried. It is not supposed to take that long and there were signs of the baby getting more and more distressed, and the worst feeling of all was the sharp fear of not being able to make it on time. But somehow we managed, and Lucas took his first breath at 5 AM on Sunday morning.

What happened after that, I am not sure. The memories are very fragmented and I don't have any clear timeline in my head. The doctor was trying to stop the blood flow, S. was given scissors, I needed to throw up, there was some running around, but at one point all the medical staff left the room and then it was only three of us left. And with what seemed like one gigantic contraction the world became suddenly very small, only containing us, and what happened behind the door or behind the window ceased to have any meaning or importance. Everything went quiet, the whole reality concentrated on that dimly lit delivery room. It felt like all I had ever cared for was right there with me. 

We stayed in the hospital for two days, following the doctor's advice. My hemoglobin was so low and my head so dizzy that it was safer for us to be in a place where everything was provided for us. But we were home by Tuesday afternoon and for the past two weeks, we have mostly stayed in our little bubble, trying to get used to our new roles and the new reality. 

I could say much about these two weeks - the longest ones in my life. But I only want to point out one thing. And it is the privilege and joy of seeing S. from a completely new angle. As to me, my hormones are raging and I am still in a kind of a survival mode, completely focused on keeping that tiny human alive and well. But S. does not have that same hormone rush and the same anxiety level, and he is much more relaxed around Lucas than I am. And I love seeing how these two interact and how calmly S. handles even the most tense situations. And how he turns the diaper changes into some comedy act. And how he manages to calm Lucas down when I can't. It is an amazing support for me, and I am in awe seeing him in his new role. 

I really feel like I have been given the best two guys in this world. I count my blessings.