Today there is only one thing to be said - welcome to the big world, little Lucas!
He made his grand entry into the world two and a half weeks ago, on November 10th. If anyone had told me that the labour would take more than 20 hours and I would lose more than a liter of blood in the process, I would have died of horror and fear on the spot. Not knowing the future is truly a grace of God.
Interestingly and paradoxically enough, I only have good memories from the whole thing. And it is exactly because everything went so slowly. I had time to adjust myself mentally, everything was so calm, there was never a moment of panic or hurry or uncertainty.
I was three days over my due date and by that stage, one has developed an almost unhealthy interest in every tiny feeling and sign that the delivery may start soon. I detected the very first "Could that be it?" sensation early on Saturday morning. By the time S. came back from the church, it was clear that things were really happening. But as said, everything developed very slowly and I felt comfortable at home, bouncing on the pilates ball and blasting worship music. It was only around 5 PM when I felt like it would be smart to go to the hospital. Since the hospital we were assigned to was an hour's drive away, I did not want to leave it to the last minute. But again, we were very calm and contrary to all the hospital drive stories that I've heard, S. did not speed at all. Once we were in the hospital, they did the initial examination and asked about my wishes and preferences as to the rest of the delivery.
And on these kinds of moments it is so important to know oneself. Over the past months, I had come to two very clear conclusions about my personality and ability. First, that being a highly sensitive person I would probably be more sensitive to pain than an average person. And secondly, that I was no hero and that a completely natural and unmedicated birth was not on my wish list. I have enormous amount of respect for women who knowingly choose unmedicated birth but I knew it was not a priority for me. I know my limits.
So, I was like, what kind of drugs do you have in this wonderful establishment, I would like to try all of them, thank you! They started with a bit of that gas that makes you feel funny in your head, and after a little while, a kind doctor came and gave me epidural. Now, the epidural stories are also very different. I was hoping it would take away the sharp edge of the pain. What I did not expect was that it would completely take away pain. But that's what happened, and I spent most of that night scrolling Twitter and looking at the ceiling, not feeling anything. S. could even take a nap on the sofa.
I am Team Epidural forever!
The only really hard part was the pushing that took more than two hours and got my doctor really worried. It is not supposed to take that long and there were signs of the baby getting more and more distressed, and the worst feeling of all was the sharp fear of not being able to make it on time. But somehow we managed, and Lucas took his first breath at 5 AM on Sunday morning.
What happened after that, I am not sure. The memories are very fragmented and I don't have any clear timeline in my head. The doctor was trying to stop the blood flow, S. was given scissors, I needed to throw up, there was some running around, but at one point all the medical staff left the room and then it was only three of us left. And with what seemed like one gigantic contraction the world became suddenly very small, only containing us, and what happened behind the door or behind the window ceased to have any meaning or importance. Everything went quiet, the whole reality concentrated on that dimly lit delivery room. It felt like all I had ever cared for was right there with me.
We stayed in the hospital for two days, following the doctor's advice. My hemoglobin was so low and my head so dizzy that it was safer for us to be in a place where everything was provided for us. But we were home by Tuesday afternoon and for the past two weeks, we have mostly stayed in our little bubble, trying to get used to our new roles and the new reality.
I could say much about these two weeks - the longest ones in my life. But I only want to point out one thing. And it is the privilege and joy of seeing S. from a completely new angle. As to me, my hormones are raging and I am still in a kind of a survival mode, completely focused on keeping that tiny human alive and well. But S. does not have that same hormone rush and the same anxiety level, and he is much more relaxed around Lucas than I am. And I love seeing how these two interact and how calmly S. handles even the most tense situations. And how he turns the diaper changes into some comedy act. And how he manages to calm Lucas down when I can't. It is an amazing support for me, and I am in awe seeing him in his new role.
I really feel like I have been given the best two guys in this world. I count my blessings.
